Wall of Inadequacy - a poem by Marsha Sims

Do I need another cup of coffee?

Or, do I just continue to stare at my wall

  of inadequacy?

I am unable to move.

Physically I suppose I could move.

Emotionally, I am trapped.

To the right are piles of clothes

   the children did not pick up.

I watch them step out of clothes

   and leave them.  Step out of shoes

   and leave them.

I have not the energy or the strength to say,

   “pick them up.”

Thinking about it causes the despair to

   creep back in.  So I refuse to think.

   I blindly pick them up and put them

   in another pile.

To the left are piles of papers

   I did not have the energy to read.

I watch it pile up and up and I

   leave it.  “Someday” I will handle it.

   “Someday” never comes.

I have not the energy or the strength to

Handle the daily barrage of papers

   in my world.

Thinking about it causes the despair

   to creep back in.  So I refuse to think.

   I blindly pick up the days mail

   and put it in another pile.

In front of me is a kitchen

   piled with dirty dishes.  Everyone ate.

   no one moved a thing.

I watch it pile up for days at a time.

   Sometimes three days or four days

   before I can drag in there and wash them.

   Sometimes the food molds on the plates

   and the stench makes me want to vomit.

I have not the energy or the strength to

   clean my house.  I am unable to move.

Thinking about it causes the despair

   to creep back in.  So I refuse to think.

   I blindly stumble into the kitchen

    and get another cup of coffee.

I don’t feel depressed ever day.

Some days I laugh … or I sing

Some days I create beautiful things.

   and I notice a flower… or a child…

   or a breeze

But those days are too few.  Because

   my world is too painful.

Thinking about it causes the despair

   to creep back in.  So I refuse to think.

   I blindly shut out my thoughts.  I

   close off my feelings.

And I stare at my wall of inadequacy.

© 2001 Marsha Sims